Walking in Darkness

The Trust Project ♦ June 2, 2020 ♦ Leave a comment

The past couple of months have been a particularly difficult time for me. Making this journey of pregnancy again after such a devastating loss last September has been more challenging than I thought it would be. In the midst of all of this, I have been feeling a spiritual dryness that has kept me from experiencing the consoling love of Jesus and the comforts that lie in resting in Him which are offered freely and plentifully to all of us.

Being numb is the most terrible feeling to experience. Perhaps some of us think that being able to feel everything acutely is more painful, but being numb just leads to a death of the spirit.  Numbness says “You don’t want to feel, you can’t handle the feelings that might arise if you do feel, so just stay in this safe place of non-feeling and you’ll protect yourself.” Sadly, protection is not really what happens, but rather a small death of the spirit everyday. Our ability to emotionally feel things as humans is unique compared to other living creatures. A fish does not get angry with another fish if it finds another food source more quickly. Nor does a bird sit around and feel guilty for taking the best nesting spot away from another bird. Animals are not able to process and think about things they way we can, and thank God, because otherwise the world of nature might look at bit different wouldn’t it?

It is true that our emotions can complicate things, and many times our emotions can even control us in unhealthy ways if we let them. Yet, if we never allow ourselves to experience them or feel them, then we also deprive ourselves of something authentically human, something as natural to us as the air we breathe. One thing I have always loved about myself is the way that I have been able to embrace life and my beliefs and ideas with an inner passion that propels my thoughts and actions. But lately I have found that passion to be gone, replaced with a guarded sense of caution. It’s amazing what the mind is capable of doing to us when we let it. To remain unfeeling in a world of swirling emotions also takes effort, but it doesn’t leave you feeling invigorated or empowered afterwards.

The truth is, God made us to be emotional beings. He made us to feel things, good or bad. Some of my deepest moments of trust and surrender have come in the most painful times of my life. Those times where I feel I have been stripped of everything, and there is nothing left to hold onto except the Lord. Sometimes we think that it is easiest to trust God when everything is going right in our lives, and there is definite truth to that. When things are not painful or difficult, when relationships are going well and our kids are thriving, when we feel financially secure and happy, it is easy to say “Yes Lord, I trust you, because everything in my life is so fantastic!” It is a lot harder to trust in those darker moments when we don’t understand, when relationships crumble, when we lose our job, when we experience the death of a loved one, or someone we know is diagnosed with a terminal illness. But even in those difficult moments, we may find it easier to take the Lord’s hand and say “I trust you”, because we don’t see another way out of our situation or we need to believe that there is meaning or purpose to our suffering. Personally, I am finding it the most challenging to trust in the times of emotional and spiritual dryness and the uncertainty of what the future might bring.

After starting this blog, I have entered into a period of spiritual and emotional dryness that is new to me. I have dealt with feelings of guilt, professing to “put all my trust in the Lord” when I feel like that is the one thing I have been wrestling with on a daily basis. I have continued my prayers and spiritual devotions, and persevered in my daily activities and responsibilities as a mother, but have had a hard time feeling emotionally “alive”. Yet, I recently had the profound realization that continuing to pray and make efforts to sustain a relationship with the Lord or even with other people in our lives when we feel nothing is also a profound act of trust. Walking in darkness does not feel good…we cannot see where we are going, or where the path might lead. We don’t know what might be just ahead of us, nor can we safely make our way back to the more secure and happier places we have already traveled. Walking in darkness takes trust, plain and simple.

Many times throughout this pregnancy, I have looked to certain milestones or physical manifestations to help me find peace. “If I can just hear the heartbeat at my second appointment, I’ll finally be able to rest easy”, or “when I can finally feel the baby consistently I will feel so much better”. But even when I have experienced hearing the heartbeat of this child or feeling the first few signs of life within, peace has not come. I have been trying to find my peace in other things, but lasting peace can only come from the Father and the knowledge that He is sustaining this child and giving it life, that He is holding it in His precious care.

I recently had a conversation with a cousin of mine, and we were discussing some of the challenges I have been facing. She made the comment that to be a mother is the ultimate act of trust, and I couldn’t agree more. There are many things in life that require a great amount of trust. Jumping out of an airplane certainly requires a great deal of trust, as does getting married, investing in the stock market, deciding to quit a high paying job to follow your dream, or leaving everything you know to become a missionary. But there is nothing quite like the trust of a mother. You are called to trust from the moment you see those two positive lines on a pregnancy test, because what is happening inside of you is something you completely cannot control. You are not creating this life, you are simply acting as a vessel to carry and sustain this life for however long God ordains that life to be.

Even when we give birth to a healthy child, mothers are continually called to trust the Lord to protect and guide that child, after we have done everything within our power to do that ourselves. I know mothers who have lost their children through miscarriage or in early childhood, mothers who have bravely parented special needs children, mothers who are still suffering from the estrangement of one or more of their children or mothers who are living with the knowledge their child has walked away from the Lord. What other vocation requires such faith and trust? To trust that, even in the midst of tragedy or trial, God is still caring for and sustaining your child, even when you cannot see or understand the path they are on.

So if you find yourself walking in the darkness, don’t be disheartened. Darkness can’t last forever, and as Christians we have the assured knowledge that Christ goes before us and makes the dark places light. Even when we cannot see, He knows the way, and although it is hard to walk a path that is unfamiliar, with the right guide we can trust that we will always make it safely through to the other side.